Beyoncé is about to perform in front of more than 100 million people at the Super Bowl halftime show.
That’s five times more than the number who watched her sing, or sort of not sing, the US national anthem at President Obama’s inauguration, so even though she might be an Illuminati robot she’s still likely to be nervous.
But if she follows our handy guidelines, she’ll be fine. Good luck, Bey!
DON’T sing live
If Beyoncé needs all her lung capacity to pull off spectacular dance moves then so be it. I’m fully prepared to sacrifice live vocals for a Single Ladies Fossey move, a Bootylicious-era twerk, or even the mesmerising shoulder shuffle of Run the World (Girls) video fame. Never forget that Westlife’s stagecraft involved getting on and off a stool. Nobody wants to go back to the bad place.
DO sing live
Of course, she’s now saying she “absolutely [will] be singing live”, telling reporters at a press conference on Thursday night that “this is what I was born to do”. And of course she should show off those pipes in all their full athletic glory.
The whole “she mimed because she can’t really sing” response to what happened at the inauguration was preposterous. When Beyoncé really goes for it – see this stunning dressing-room rehearsal of 1+1 or her performance of the Star-Spangled Banner to the journalists in New Orleans – it’s like watching Usain Bolt strut towards the finish line.
DON’T bother with guest stars
Beyoncé is a superstar and that’s why she’s doing this. Previous Super Bowl performers have lost their nerve and tried to bulk up their show with guest stars. Madonna was not only upstaged by LMFAO, but also by MIA’s middle finger. For shame.
Beyoncé dabbled with guests for her Glastonbury slot, which resulted in Tricky looking like a kid in a supermarket who’d lost his mum in front of 50,000 people. Let her do her own thing. She’s quite good at it.
DO make an exception for Destiny’s Child
Mind you, if you buy a ticket to see Paul McCartney, you’re hoping he’ll play some Beatles songs. There are rumours that Queen B will deign to allow Kelly and Michelle to appear for a medley of DC hits, which would of course exist within a Beyoncé medley, meaning this would be a medley-within-a-medley of some of the best pop songs of all time. Plus, it will give Michelle something to look forward to. See poormichelle.com.
DON’T overdo the wind machine
As much of a spectacle as a Beyoncé show can be, she has a tendency to veer into Tina Turner Vegas Residency territory for the bigger ones, mostly through excessive use of the wind machine.
Yes, her hair is lovely, but it is not the time for a shampoo commercial. If weather-based effects are really necessary, this Rihanna performance suggests that rain should at least be under consideration.
DO throw in a curveball
Judging by the rehearsal footage she’s also released, there will be some Single Ladies. It would be a surprise if she didn’t include Crazy in Love, and Irreplaceable is a worthy crowd-pleaser (for the “to the left” bit, people really like to wave their arms to, er, the left).
Here are some excellent Beyoncé songs that would also work brilliantly in a 30-second burst: Diva, Ring the Alarm, Baby Boy, End of Time, Naughty Girl. Ideally Diva. But she’s got options.
DON’T decide that a new song counts as a curveball
Learn from George Michael at the Olympics closing ceremony. If you’re using an audience of 111 million as an advert for your old group’s new single that nobody really noticed when it failed to set the internet on fire, then your audience might feel a bit used. In fact, you could say: look out, it would lead to a Nuclear fallout. (Sorry.)
This article originally appeared on guardian.co.uk
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