Photo: .aG via flickr
Once people have consumed too much alcohol, ridiculous things have a tendency to happen. And, it can take place on both sides of the bar.We found some of the most absurd stories from bartenders on this Reddit thread.
It’s clear not everyone can hold their liquor.
Some of these stories have been edited for clarity.
'Busy Saturday night, place is ram jam squishy full (600 people). I stood in the front door taking occupancy numbers, and over the door radio comes the shout 'shaggers, shaggers, we got shaggers.'
Doormen go running off to the gents and bring out a 40ish couple and escort them out of the front door. As we all walk back in a guy comes up to the head door man and says 'why are you kicking my wife out?'
'I saw a man trying to pick up a gorgeous woman. I could tell she was just rambling on about her dreams and hopes and whatnot (things he didn't seem to care about based on his facial expression).
All of a sudden I saw him go from tan/bronze to pale white as he proceeded to projectile vomit his entire night's worth of drinking, plus his shellfish dinner directly onto her face.
It turns out she was allergic to shellfish, had to be epi-penned and an ambulance took her away.'
'One day after work the managers told everyone that we needed to start cutting people off that looked like they were too drunk. The next night I overheard a waiter talking to his 6 top.
Waiter: How is everyone?
First Customer: Can we get another round?
Waiter: I can get one for everyone else but you can't even look at me straight. I'm sorry but I have to cut you off.
Second Customer: DUDE, She's been cross eyed since birth!
Waiter: One round coming right up!'
'Doing the levels and dumping the cooler into the front fridges I hear two women at the bar casually talking. Of course, just being there, I quietly listen.
Female A: 'So he was pretty good in bed. We even had a joint afterwards and cuddled. It was awesome! I just feel so bad that I didn't tell him. I mean, he seemed OK with it and said he would call.'
Female B: 'Well that's kind of a bitch move don't you think? I mean I have told guys when I am on my period before well before anything got too far. I hope he calls, but you should just be happy he didn't kill you.'
Female A: 'Well it looked like he had murdered someone when we turned the lights on. It was everywhere. I didn't think I was having a heavy day at all. You should have seen the hand prints on the wall, one was on this poster he had up for a clockwork orange.........'
At this point I am doing my best not to die laughing or toss my cookies on my clean bar. Back to the cooler to get a couple more cases and upon my return, Female A is on the phone and Female B orders another round. When I put the drinks down, Female A pulls the phone from her ear.
Female A: 'Hey, is your name Bouncer Dave?'
Me: 'Well just Dave, but yes, what can I do for ya?'
Female A: 'I am on the phone with your roommate. Glen says hello and to get back to work slacker hahaha'
Think for a minute, take a quick look of horror and remember, Glen just bought a Clockwork Orange poster. He hung it just above the head board of his bed.
With the worlds worst poker face I tried to muscle out a laugh when the look of terror crosses her face. Her eyes scream 'He knows...' and Female B bursts into laughter.'
'Worked in a fairly respectable bar that was popular with the middle-aged crowd (we played 70's / 80's music). Every night we'd rotate the shitty jobs between the staff (cleaning sick up / floor mopping etc).
This one night I was on toilet duty (checked them every hour or so for empty glasses, general mess), some guy comes to the bar and says there is a 'mess' in one of the cubicles. I go in a see someone has jammed the toilet with toilet roll, proceeded to piss on the toilet and cover the floor with this also.
I go fetch the mop and bucket and when I return there is a pair of boxer shorts in the piss-puddle... Not only are they soaking wet they have a full on shit stain in them. There's no way I'm going near them but before I have time to even think about what I'm going to do the cubicle door next to me opens...
The guy has trousers round his ankles but no underwear on, proceeds to say 'So that's where they got to' (looking down at the boxer shorts) rings them out with his bare hands, takes off his trousers puts the shitty-pissy boxer shorts on and staggers out.'
I live in Ireland, I had a guy from England (a little tipsy) apologizing to all the Irish people in the bar for the 800 years of occupation by England in our country and for the invasion of Oliver Cromwell.
'I once had a softball team come in after a game. There was this one Latino girl who kept ordering tequila shots.
At first she was nice and having fun, but about 6 shots later, she began to slur. It came to the point that I could barely understand what she was saying and she was stumbling around.
I decided to cut her off as I would be held responsible for anything that might happen to her in the hotel. Once I told her I think she might need to take it easy, she stood up, grabbed my ear lobe, pulled my head across the bar through our hanging cocktail glasses (broke a few of them), and without a slur, clear as day, she said 'Don't you ever cut me off mother fucker.'
Her friends instantly saw this, came over and told her to stop. A few seconds later, she passed out on the bar and her friends carried her out.'
A bartender got drunk on the job, was fired, and didn't remember any of it the next day when he came into work
'It was pretty common that where I worked all of the bartenders and some of the barbacks would drink on the job. Not gonna lie, I definitely participated on the busier nights. It really helped the night go by faster and made us all more personable.
However one night a bartender took it over the edge. He had long hair, a glorious beard and would always be shitfaced tending the bar. We cleverly named him 'Drunk Jesus.' Management never really cared about us drinking until one night Drunk Jesus got blackout drunk. And by blackout drunk I mean puking ocean drunk (the bar was dockside) and blatantly asking girls if they wanted to 'get fucked by their saviour ' (he loved his nickname). The bar manager was FURIOUS, came down and fired the guy on the spot.
The next morning Drunk Jesus came in and started setting up the bar for a double he was scheduled for. When I asked why he was here he told me 'because I'm working a double today' ... completely oblivious to the fact he got fired the night before.'
'I used to bartend at a pizza place. One afternoon a middle aged couple came in with an old (80?) lady they referred to as Grandma. Grandma seemed a little confused and they talked to her like she was a child.
The middle-aged lady made a comment about being hungry and then Grandma says very loudly, 'Have you ever been so hungry you could eat the arse out of a dead skunk?' I almost fell over behind the bar I was laughing so hard.'
'One night I was visited by three dudes who were clearly on some sort of stimulant. They all stood in the bar, making snarky remarks and drinking heavily. At some point (I'm not sure since I wasn't around at that particular point in time) they started harassing some dude.
The twist is: The dude was Irish and clearly not in the mood for shit. So as I'm called to the scene, the Irish dude had engaged in full-on fisticuffs with three big arseholes on cocaine. They fought pretty equally, until we broke the brawl up. Things calmed down, when suddenly, one of the douchebags grabs a glass and smashes it into the Irishman's skull.
Then they ran and left us with a bleeding, but surprisingly lucid and calm 5.5 feet Irish man. He was fine.'
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