Our 16 favourite Jokes About Goldman Sachs

amy poehler snl

Goldman Sachs is every comedian’s favourite bank.

In fact, top comedians probably owe the firm a couple of kickbacks for all the fodder they’ve provided, what with Blankfein’s “God’s work” joke, a partner losing his Goldman credit card in Tribeca and Fabulous Fab’s famous email.

And we have a feeling the bank will provide fodder for many years to come.

Amy Poehler

'If you're going to try to convince people you care about things other than money, may I suggest you remove the words gold and sack from your name?'

- Amy Poehler

Stephen Colbert

After one of Stephen Colbert's writers found a credit card belonging to a Goldman partner, he tried to hold it hostage, and tried to blackmail the Goldman partner who owned it, into coming onto the show to talk about bank bonuses. The plot failed.

'It turns out, and I did not know this, Goldman Sachs has lawyers. Who evidently watch my show. Because I received this email from their Office of Global Security, which I believe is a euphemism for assassination squad.'

- Stephen Colbert

Jon Stewart

On Facebook getting around public disclosures by making many investors into one, through a special Goldman investment vehicle.

'Well I got news for you Facebook, the SEC has very strict rules about disclosure, good luck getting someone to help you get around that!'

(Clip plays explaining Goldman is investing $450 million)

'Goldman! As well as Sachs! Well when it comes to weaseling around financial regulations they are the masters.... Oh Goldman, is there any financial regulation's intent you can't subvert.'

-- Jon Stewart

David Letterman

The top 10 Goldman Sachs excuses:

10. Huh?

9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing

8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich

7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight

6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks

5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?

4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?

3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate

2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag

1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?

Jay Leno

'$8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq! I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.'

- Jay Leno

Jimmy Fallon

'While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a 'complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.' Then he realised he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive.'

-- Jimmy Fallon

Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler

On a story that Goldman Sachs had received 200 doses of swine flu vaccine -- the same amount as Lenox Hill Hospital.

Can you not read how mad people are at you? When most people saw the headline 'GOLDMAN SACHS GETS SWINE FLU VACCINE' they were super happy until they read the word 'vaccine.'

-- Amy Poehler

Also, centres for Disease Control, you sent the vaccine to Wall Street before schools and hospitals? Really? Were you worried the swine flu might spread to the Hamptons and St. Barts? These are the least contagious people in the world. They don't even touch their own car-door handles.

-- Seth Meyers

Steven Colbert

'Why are government employees filing a civil suit against Goldman Sachs? That's just going to be embarrassing in a few years when they all go back to work at Goldman Sachs.'

- Stephen Colbert

Jon Stewart

Upon hearing that Goldman Sachs was handing out $16 billion in bonuses, after the $5.4 billion in bonuses from January.

'That was January... It's only April... Was this their daylight savings time bonus? Groundhog didn't see its shadow bonus. Do you give that bonus to the bonus in January so the other bonuses don't get lonely?'

- Jon Stewart

Jay Leno

'Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?'

- Jay Leno

Jon Stewart

On Goldman's 'shitty deal' and consequent ban on swear words:

So let the word go forth, Goldman may still fuck you over, but from now on, they themselves will refer to it as making sweet sweet love to you.

- Jon Stewart (Goldman clip)

Chris Rock

After the SEC announced the Goldman investigation, the popular joke:

A man is only as faithful as his options.

- Chris Rock

Was re-worked to fit the situation (ie 'a banker is only as faithful as his options').

Jay Leno

'President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.'

- Jay Leno

Conan O-Brien

Who would invest in Goldman Sachs mortgage investments? I played it safe and bought Greek bonds and magic beans.

- Conan O'Brien

President Obama

'By the way, all of the jokes here tonight are brought to you by our friends at Goldman Sachs. So you don't have to worry, they make money whether you laugh or not . . .'

- President Obama

Jay Leno

'Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.'

- Jay Leno

Now here's something about Goldman that's not so funny...

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