I wasn’t going to do this, but I have to.
It’s finally summer in New York City, and that means everyone is changing their wardrobe over for something that makes the sweltering heat more bearable.
For girls this means the return of strappy sandals and sun dresses.
For men, this means dressing like a 5 year-old waiting in line for the teacup ride at Disneyland.
It means the unholy trinity of bad men’s fashion — cargo shorts, graphic tees, and flip-flops — are back in rotation. We’re about to see this uniform everywhere. And that’s sad, because no one looks good in it.
Let’s go through each item and talk about why:
- Cargo shorts: Ninety-nine point nine per cent of the time, cargo shorts are too long. That means they make you look shorter. They’re also too baggy and the pockets weigh the shorts down and make you look sloppy. It’s like the shorts themselves know that you shouldn’t be wearing them and are trying to slide off of your body.
- Instead: You can wear shorts, just wear ones that fit. That means they hit you an inch or two above the knee. You also only need four pockets — two in the front, two in the back. This is not rocket science, it’s just taste.
- Graphic tees: It’s great that you enjoyed that Phish show in 2003 so much that you bought a tee-shirt, but now that you’re an adult with a job, you don’t need to remind everyone of your jam bands days. And — no matter what it says — if you think your shirt is clever, I guarantee to you that it’s not.
- Instead: There are a lot of great shirts you can wear that will keep you cool over the summer. Polo shirts work, and they have collars. Linen shirts breathe for you, and they make you look fresh and clean. Or you can just a solid coloured tee that isn’t a walking advertisement or doesn’t have Mighty Mouse or something equally juvenile on it.
- Flip-flops: No one wants to see a grown man’s feet.
- Instead: Loafers, sneakers. This one’s too easy.
All of this should be obvious by now. I’ve written about it over and over again, so have tons of other people on the internet. Still, year after year there’s a conveyor belt of bro-bots all dressed in the same stupid outfit walking down the street.
I get it. You’re comfortable. Just keep in mind that you’re also embarrassing.