This is part 2 of my rather long piece on how to attract women; read the first part of this article here.
What’s so interesting about e-books like Double Your Dating (download it here) and seduction strategies in general is that, for the most part, women can use the same exact powerful strategies to attract guys. This stuff has already been figured out and tested extensively.
We like to think our tastes in partners are “unique,” but really, none of us are all that unique.
Of course, everyone finds qualities like humour and confidence to be attractive.
Ignoring specific techniques for a second here, confidence and authenticity are two very powerful tools. Especially in an age where we are inundated with artificiality and “posturing,” it’s refreshing when someone comes out and says EXACTLY what they are actually thinking. Addressing the elephant in the room. It can be extremely attractive.
Unfortunately, though, Hollywood romantic comedies and some of the less informed dating “experts” have popularised the crazy notion that you should pursue a woman or man you really like at all costs — after all, this is how many species mate. Whales, for example, do a “run” where the male who chases the female for the longest gets to mate with her, after shoving aside or outlasting all of the other males vying for her attention.
Humans are different, though: all that kind of strategy will get you is a restraining order.
As my friend, NYC dating coach Chris Luna humorously wrote on his blog a while back, “‘Women want one thing, to be relentlessly pursued,’ this was what a woman told me last night, as I was sitting in the lobby at the Ace Hotel. I thought this was funny, because it’s absolutely not true.”
This is a really terrific point, and it’s something David DeAngelo actually addresses a fair amount in his books and newsletters: a fundamental demand asymmetry. When a guy is on a first date, he is already fantasizing about the woman — and thinking about her in terms of a potential girlfriend or wife.
Most women on a first date, though, are thinking more along the lines of, “This guy seems somewhat interesting so far, let’s see what he’s all about and see if there’s any chemistry.”
Note the lack of biological neediness that is more or less built into the guy’s default way of thinking. Guys put all their cards on the table, which is rarely the best way to play cards — and never the right way to build attraction.
So what’s the answer?
The very short answer is that inner confidence is the key. “Deep inner game” as DeAngelo calls it. Male neediness evaporates when you start to think more selectively — train yourself to think the way women do, naturally.
In other words, when you’re on a first date with a hot girl, your inner dialogue should not be, “She’s so hot, I need to impress her… I wonder if she’s looking for a boyfriend?” Etc.
Instead, go into selection mode: “She seems interesting so far. Let’s see what happens, and if she’s really what I’m looking for.”
But whatever you do, make a point of doing the complete OPPOSITE of whatever you’ve seen in movies like Valentine’s Day or Hitch. The desperate dude doesn’t get the girl. The selective guy with “deep inner game” does.
(The only film I’ve ever seen that perfectly portrays the way attraction really works is Swingers with Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau. You need to put that one into your Netflix queue…)