Stephen Colbert tried not to talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger on Tuesday night’s show. He really did.
“I hate to disappoint you,” the host said. “It’s a private matter between Arnold and his family, and his other family.”
Instead, he did a bit about oil subsidies. Except he could not get through it without returning to the Governator.
“We have more important things to talk about, like oil subsidies. Today the Senate voted on a Democratic measure that would eliminate $21 billion in subsidies for hte country’s top five oil companies over the next decade. The bill closes certain loop holes in the tax code, specifically the part of the code that…”
“…10 years! 10 years ago he had this kid. And Maria never knew? What did she think this was [showing a poster of Junior]? Water weight gain?.”
Blah blah blah oil. Back to Schwarzenegger!
“Are you telling me no one knew it was his kid? It was probably born with a 40-inch chest. And forget the Cesarean; he probably shot his way out. ‘Hasta la vista, placenta.’“
Then, for some reasons, Colbert broke the glass and slapped himself with the emergency fake hand.
“This whole thing makes John Edwards look like father of the year,” he said. “When Arnold was running for Governor, he was out there shaking hands and kissing babies. Any of those babies could have been his.”