As the mobile gadget population continues to flourish, phone and tablet names grow increasingly idiotic. Marketing and branding teams run out of ideas, and gold is handed to me for rants such as this one. It’s been one hell of a busy week, but that hasn’t stopped the Grandpa of TechnoBuffalo from analysing select device names that were plucked from a vineyard of lame. Let’s begin, shall we?
HTC Droid Incredible
The HTC Droid Incredible is not quite as incredible anymore, is it? Even its second-generation sibling, the cunningly titled HTC Droid Incredible 2, is not capable of turning the fantastic tricks that the Samsung Galaxy S II is currently cranking out in millions of customer’s hands worldwide. I’d venture to say the Samsung Galaxy S II is an incredible phone, but not the HTC Droid Incredible. If anything, the HTC Incredible is Incredibly outdated and Incredibly unpopular. At this point, it needs to be renamed the HTC Mediocre.
Verizon’s first 4G LTE speed demon whip-cracked out of the starting gates with blazing 4G LTE speeds—the fastest we’ve seen yet from a pulsating data network on caffeine pills. But the phone will never live up to the iconic WWII fighter jet it was named after, and will soon be forgotten amidst a sea of octo-core dish-washing and dog-walking smartphones.
It reminds me of the giant Thunderbird tattoo my grandpa had on his chest, much to my grandma’s dismay. “Oh, what a shonda!” she used to cry. Anywho, as he grew older, the thunderbird morphed into a droopy buzzard, losing the commanding presence it once had back in the 50’s and 60’s. The HTC Thunderbolt will one day be a droopy buzzard in the barren land of Androids, and will be renamed the HTC Short Circuit.
Mototola Atrix 4G
What is an Atrix? It’s as if the putz on Motorola’s marketing team forgot to add the letter M and gave the PowerPoint presentation anyway.
“The Atrix? Are you sure you didn’t mean Matrix, Chad?”
“Uh, no, Atrix, hah, hah, yeah, that’s it, Atrix—better than Matrix! Even lighter!”
It’s like the buffoons who produced Minority Report and left the typo in the main character’s name. John Anderton? I wonder if he drives a Chevy Cruze and eats Rice Krispies. Whatever the case, there’s a definitive glitch in Chad’s Atrix.
I have nothing negative to toss at the T-Mobile G2x. The name oozes raw badass. More phones should sound like weapons from The Terminator.
The sounds of sigh-ness abound when I drum up emotions pinned to an Android phone called the Revolution. The irony is dumbfounding. If LG were to release a 12-core beast that transformed into a Ferarri and gave Swedish massages, then yes, the phone would deserve the name “Revolution.” But another LTE Android phone with medium-well specs does not deserve the profound moniker. I think LG meant “Evolution.” Yes, that must have been it. Maybe the same doofus from Motorola got his arse fired, joined the LG team and added an “R” this time in his PowerPoint presentation in order to make up for the Atrix debacle.
Samsung Galaxy S II Epic 4G Touch
Oh sure, Samsung, of course everyone will remember the name of that phone! What’s next year’s model going to be called? The Samsung Galaxy Supernova Constellation Sagittarius S III Magic Scrumdiddlyumptious Epic 5G Fondle? That has a nice ring to it! I wonder if it will be compatible with Sony’s Extreme Memory Stick PRO-HG Duo MagicGate XC Echinacea Goldenseal Micro Gandalf Frodo cards? Only time will tell!
HTC Sensation 4G
Did you really get a sensation the first time you fired on the HTC Sensation 4G and spun the dazzling widget centrifuge? How about the first time you had to force close an application? And attempting to connect to T-Mobile’s spotty 4G HSPA+ data network? I was sensationally ticked off just trying to find a T-Mobile signal without roaming. Fortunately, T-Mobile will be AT&T next year (maybe), but you won’t get AT&T’s sensational new 4G LTE technology. And say goodbye to that sensational model in the pink dress. Now that’s quite a damning sensation!
When I think of thrills, I think of that time I borrowed a 2006 Mustang convertible and relived a scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with my girlfriend in Boston. I think of the time I rode my Kawasaki on the 318 curves of the Dragon’s Tail. I think about the times I used to prank my wretched old Social Studies teacher by filling his car with popcorn and watching him open the door while hiding behind a bush.
But I certainly don’t think about a smartphone, let alone one that renders you cross-eyed with esoteric 3D technology. Phone cameras aren’t even up to snuff, so what is so thrilling about cramming half-assed 3D into an Android phone that will soon be outdated next Tuesday? Staring at that screen for 5 minutes made me walk into telephone poles for two weeks. LG should have named this phone the Cheap Thrill.
T-Mobile myTouch 4G
Is it legal to touch someone else’s myTouch? How willing are you to let someone else touch your myTouch? Should you wait a day before calling someone who touched your myTouch? If a stranger touches your myTouch, could you get a virus? Can you touch your own myTouch in public? Can you buy a sleeve to use protection on your myTouch? If you invite more than one friend, does that count as a true myTouch 4G?
Veering away from this phone is exactly what you should be doing. You’ve got your hands full, Meg.
What’s in a muffin, wondered Allie Mae Guffin?
What could Make Thomas’ taste as it does?
Is it the crannies, the ridges, the batter?
Or is it the Nooks that make it all matter?
Allie looked in the Nooks, the crannies she eyed
She took a big bite and then smiled wide!
It was the crunchy on top, the light and airy inside!
This is why Thomas’ are made with such pride!
Thomas’. The original Nooks and crannies muffin.
Forget the Apple/Samsung lawsuits…
Amazon Kindle Fire
How the hell is anyone outside of the tech world supposed to know what a Kindle Fire is? Is it like a Bake Cake? A Conduct Traffic? Perhaps it’s related to the Boil Bunsen Burner or Suck Jolly Rancher. My money’s on the Plunder Bank Account and Swindle Wallet with all of the tempting cloud content. And who will own a Kindle Fire? Ben Dover? Amanda Hugandkiss? Seymour Buns? Whoever named Amazon’s first tablet should get Kindle Fired.
This is just a downright shame. Based on Stephen Hawking’s space hypotheses, no tales are more spellbinding and awe-inspiring than prodigious vortexes that exist within the vast expanse of the unknown. They are awesome gravitational vacuums in which nothing, not even light can escape.
So LG thought that a bug-infested, entry-level Android smartphone with crapass camera and programs that Force Close more often than our public school system’s extracurricular activities would be an ideal candidate for a grand title of Vortex? If anything, the LG Vortex is a black hole that sucks you into a world of subpar, outdated technology.
The dimwits at Motorola spelled “Zoom” wrong this time, replacing the logical “Z” with an illogical “X” in some sort of marketing orgy of lame ideas. Do you know what this means? Half of the population roams the earth referencing the Motorola “Exhume.” When I think of Android tablets, I don’t think about digging up dead bodies and studying them. Furthermore, you cannot use a Motorola Xoom to exhume a body anyway. Its form factor does not lend itself to the task at hand. That’s what shovels are for. In fact, if Motorola were intelligent, they would brand their own shovel and call it the Xoom. It would absolutely kill in the undertaker and gravedigger markets.
iThink you guys have too much money. iThink Tim Cook’s personality rivals a table lamp. iFeel bad for Woz. iDon’t want to buy music that only exists in the invisible air. iHate synching for 30 minutes every time I plug in. iCould give a rat’s arse. iDon’t care.
That’s all I got, folks. Deface the comments with some gadget names that you can’t stand.