9 Onion Headlines That Explain Syria Better Than Mainstream Media

The Syrian Civil war seemed to have entered the realm of grotesque parody when offhand comments from Secretary of State John Kerry
shifted the entire global strategywith regard to the regime’s suspected use of chemical weapons.

The supposed “diplomatic solution” Washington stumbled into involves President Bashar Al Assad voluntarily identifying his weapons stockpiles, while U.N. inspectors locate and destroy those stockpiles.

Though the media widely reported this “diplomatic solution,” less reported was that reducing Assad’s gigantic chemical weapons stores would likely require significant outside military assistance: what one analyst called “an armed invasion.

This, often vague, media coverage prompted Tom A. Peter of the Christian Science Monitor to write that “some of the best analysis” on Syria comes from The Onion.

So here’s 9 Onion headlines we think do a good job of explaining Syria:

1. John Kerry Costs US Defence Industry $US400 Billion (Sept. 10, 2013)

John Kerry’s statements largely led to a shift away from what seemed inevitable strikes on Syria.

From The Onion:

“With thousands of new munitions and logistical support contracts, Syria would have been a goldmine for us. I swear to God, if this doesn’t work out John Kerry owes us half a trillion dollars.”

2. Poll: Majority Of Americans Approve Of Sending Congress To Syria (Sept. 5, 2013)

This headline came on the heels of polls that showed the only thing less popular than Congress was Congress voting to enter the Syrian conflict.

From The Onion:

The majority of survey respondents said they believe the United States should refocus its entire approach to Syria’s civil war on the ground deployment of U.S. senators and representatives, regardless of whether the Assad regime used chemical weapons or not.

3. Target Of Future Drone Attack Urges American Intervention In Syria (Sept. 5, 2013)

Quite a bit of speculation has surrounded American arms shipments and support of nebulous, loosely affiliated rebel groups — some of whom may have ties to hardcore Al Qaeda extremists.

From The Onion:

“President Obama and American forces must step in and help us overthrow Assad,” said the radical Islamist who will be the object of what will one day be an intense and lengthy manhunt by the CIA and whose death will reportedly be hailed as a major strategic victory by counterterrorism officials.

4. Assad Unable To Convince Putin That He Used Chemical Weapons On Syrians (Sept. 4, 2013)

It’s pretty hard not to notice Russia’s willful ignorance when it comes to exactly who used those chemical weapons in Syria. They even went so far as to issue a 100-page official report pointing at the rebels as the perpetrators of Sarin gas use in Syria.

From The Onion:

“Given the information I’ve seen at this point, President Assad failed to show me clear, substantiated evidence that he used chemical weapons against the Syrian people, regardless of how many times he says ‘I, Bashar al-Assad, President of Syria, am the one who did this’ while showing me videos of people dying of Sarin poisoning,” said [Russian President Vladimir] Putin.

5. Obama Assures Americans This Will Not Be Another 1456 Ottoman Siege Of Belgrade (Sep. 3, 2013)

The dismal Iraq War hung gloomily over any prospect of bombing Syria, and Obama frequently sought to differentiate one bad war from what many people considered would be another bad war.

From The Onion:

Obama was reportedly adamant that the United States is not acting on poor or shortsighted intelligence, unlike the 15th-century Turks who underestimated the difficulty in quelling Belgrade’s peasant army. The president also claimed that the current situation in Syria, when closely examined, “barely resembles the fight against St. John of Capistrano and his crusaders when they breached the Ottoman camp.”

6. Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War (Aug. 28, 2013)

American have fought in Syria. Brits have fought in Syria. Kurds, Libyans, and Al Qaeda militias in Iraq have even fought in Syria. There’s also been sightings of Russian and Iranian military, as well as Hezbollah from Lebanon.

At this point, bears would not be a surprise.

From The Onion:

“I don’t know what side the bears are on, but at this point it might not even matter,” he continued. “They’re everywhere and they’re extremely angry.”

7. Experts Point To Long, Glorious History Of Successful U.S. Bombing Campaigns (Aug. 27, 2013)

This headline followed the Obama administration’s scramble to launch cruise missiles at Syria just days following the alleged gas attack Aug. 21.

From The Onion:

All experts on the subject then agreed unanimously that, if you want to create positive and lasting change in a troubled region … then bombing campaigns are almost always the way to go.

8. Family Concerned After John McCain Wanders Into Syria (May 28. 2013)

Senator John McCain made a very public appearance with what he claimed to be “moderate” Syrian rebels during a visit to the civil war ostensibly aimed at garnering support for military action.

Meanwhile, others claimed that he appeared with war criminals responsible for the kidnapping of Lebanese missionaries, highlighting the difficulties of vetting Syrian rebel groups for American support.

From The Onion:

“Then one of us has to go to Syria, pick him up, and bring him back to Washington. We’re going to have to sit down soon and decide what to do about this before he seriously hurts himself,” [said McCain’s wife.]

9. Having Gone This Far Without Caring About Syria, Nation To Finish What It Started (Nov. 12, 2012)

The Syrian civil war never seemed more than a blip on America’s pop culture radar, until chemical weapons killed a suspected 1,400 people near Damascus — but even then, national public interest was more focused on disapproval of military action than anything else.

From The Onion:

More than a year and a half after the conflict began, Americans across the country confirmed Monday that, having come this far without displaying any discernible interest whatsoever in the ongoing uprising in Syria, they are now determined to “finish the job.”

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