Happy Valentine's Day: Now Here Are 8 Hilarious And Horrifying Tales From Dating Wall Streeters

scared girl

Photo: Screengrab from AXE on YouTube

[This post originally appeared at Jezebel.]After writing about the crazy J.P. Morgan analyst who stalked his ex across the Atlantic pretending to be an Israeli spy, and reproducing the insane 1,600-word letter from an investment analyst demanding that a woman he went on a single date with apologise for leading him on, we figured we’d open it up to our readers for more stories from the front lines of romance in the financial industry.

And boy, did you all deliver.

Both men and women wrote in to tell us their woeful tales of dating brokers, bankers, analysts and managers. And they were pretty bad! One woman said she had a “horrible” story she was afraid of sharing because her ex-boyfriend—”a very high profile guy”—might sue her. “That’s the kind of thing he would love to do, sue his ex-girlfriend,” she told us. Which says about as much as the story itself.

This guy gave his ex a quiz about their relationship with a deadline...

OK what I want to talk about is this, all of the following points must be resolved. This may take time by sheer logistics alone but because you have difficulty saying things why don't you answer the questions in writing first. You have to provide the written answers to me if you do so, I will not need to see them ahead of time but I reserve the right to read all of them. The longer you make your answers the better this will be, spend as much time as you need, if you can't get it done by tonight or it will take you a few days that's fine. Sometimes Yes/No answers are OK but make this thing as perfect as one of your college papers.

DO NOT PUT THIS OFF. If you wait you will hurt your chances of us being together. I'll give you a dead-line: Thurs evening, I know you work hard and are busy. I would hate if you take as long as Thursday evening...

Why you were unhappy with us:
Are there things you do not like about me?
Are there things you do not like about us?
Are there things you don't like about yourself when it comes to us?

Name as many things as you can you would change about.
Again, you must list everything that bothers you.
1. me
suggestions: I interrupt you, I need to enunciate when I speak

2. us
3. yourself...

Where do you want to be in?
6 months
1 year
5 years
10 years
20 years
50 years / retirement age...

In Exercise A, you must cover any topics you bring up for previous periods

Exercise A
- List the reasons you were unhappy November 2007 - present
suggestions: Financial reasons, Emotional reasons, Our relationship related stuff, professional stuff

- List any things that made you happy November 2007 - present
List the reasons you are unhappy now:List the reasons you are happy now:
__________________________

For the Exercise B it might make sense to break it into three tiers(OST):
An example for me:
Objective I want to be in better shape
- why should I bother? I want to have better health, I want to have better sex, I want to be more sexually attractive to women, I want to look and feel better about myself, I will be better at everything else if my health is in order, I will meet people by doing outdoorsy stuff
Strategies: I want to improve my 1. cardiovascular capabilities 2. flexibility 3. muscles 4. I want to do outdoorsy stuff this summer
Tactics/Action Items:
1. a. ride a bike for fun & to work
b. go on hikes
c. do yoga everyday, do a yoga class once a week
d. join a gym?????
2. a. do yoga everyday, do a yoga class once a week
3. a. join a gym??????
b. do yoga everyday, do a yoga class once a week
4. a. Do outdoorsy stuff with friends
b. ride a bike
c. go to the beach
d. fear getting sunburned less
e. book vacations and 3-day weekends

Exersice B
List all of the specific things you will do to improve:
1. Your physical health
2. Your emotional health

Source: Gawker

This Slightly Psychotic' Guy wouldn't stop talking about sex with prostitutes in Brazil

I've not dated this 'gentleman' but I did meet him at a bar last friday when I was out with another friend of mine (a guy). John (the financial industry professional - he claimed to 'manage money') was standing at the bar by himself and made room for me and my friend to step up and order. We got to chatting and he was plainly a weird guy, but weird in a comical, slightly psychotic way. One of his stories was about going to Brazil and how prostitution was rife and he would never pay for sex. Then after some questioning he admitted that he had gone to a party where the host encouraged him to have sex with the prostitutes who were there but he wouldn't. Again, after some light questioning for details it didn't take him long to admit he had paid every prostitute there to have sex with him.

By the end of the night he asked my friend and I for our numbers, and unfortunately I was too drunk to think of a fake number in time to save myself. After a couple of messages I didn't reply to I gave him the nicest possible 'Thanks but no thanks' text and this is what follows (screen shots for veracity below):

...yet she made the mistake of giving him her number — then the creepy messages started

'Hi Alex. Well thanks for at least replying to me. I wasn't expecting to date u as there is an age gap. (& u r a lot prettier than me lol!) Just some fun - that's all I was thinking (hoping). I did enjoy the drink and the eye contact with you was special. Please keep my number and if u ever fancy a random night out with a nice guy who'll treat u like a princess let me know!! I also have a naughty adventurous side in that I occasionally go to a swingers club of which I am a member & also other organised parties for likeminded singles/couples. If this intrigues u let me know too!!!! :))x'

The magic of the message that I will also treasure is the transition from 'I'll treat you like a princess' to 'I want to fuck you...possibly in a group setting'. Flawless.

Source: Gawker

This guy acted like a creepy alpha male but turned out to be...

The red flag I missed the night we met and he asked for my number was that he sat for hours with his buddies after his check was paid drinking water, openly admiring me, while other very impatient people waited for them to get up. He would psyche us all out every time he got up to use the restroom, which is the universal sign a table is leaving, only to return and resume his hydration. He must have been the alpha in the group, since his friends were at that point wasted and done drinking but remained. I had to ask them to leave...

The Jack Rabbit! (Slide 2 of 2)

...Let me cut to the chase. The kiss at the end of the night. Imagine someone on the other side of a window pressing their face up against the glass...

It was so bad that a couple of dates later (I know, I know) out of strictly morbid curiosity, I slept with him. I just had to see how bad it could be. Plus I had enough confidence in my own skills to make it bearable. Wow.It was no more than 20 FIVE SECONDS of the hardest jack rabbit pumping of my life. There was no way around it, I had to lay still and take it. When he rolled off me and immediately went to the bathroom to remove his condom and wash his dick in the sink, I laughed in disbelief, my thighs reverberating from the pounding.

He climbed back into bed, his bikini underwear back on, and pulled all the covers off me and onto himself...

I dumped him over email, but he still wrote every other month for a year to ask how I was...

Source: Gawker

This guy knew about NOTHING but finance

He was referred to as 'The stock broker to the stars' because I guess he made a lot of rich/famous people even more wealthy. But dinners with him were so awful, I wanted to stick my fork through my eyeballs out of boredom. I would try to make conversations with him and he had nothing to say. He could only talk about money matters, how important he was and how important his other clients were...

He didn't even know who Joan of Arc was... but he pretended to.

One conversation I still recall with laughter was about Joan of Arc. I caught his eyes glazing over and asked, 'Do you know who Joan of Arc was?' 'Yes,' he replied, 'Of course.' I asked who he thought Joan of Arc was. He replied, 'The man that built the arc.'

You may have to think about that for a while...it took me a while to realise he was talking about Noah.

Source: Gawker

This guy had no filter... literally, none.

Here are some actual quotes:

  • 'your body type isn't one I'm usually attracted to but I am sexually attracted to you.' (I'm 5'5 and 120lbs....I didn't ask him for further clarification)
  • 'I like your hair cut! It's a good thing you got it too because I was going to stop dating you if you hadn't.'
  • 'I love asparagus but it makes my shit stringy.' (said on date number 2)

And when he did talk, it put you to sleep. (Slide 2 of 2)

One also better be ready to hear lots about fantasy football, studying for the CFA, Chinese IPOs, going 'double long', and your own last name. (never had guys I've dated call me by my last name except other investment pros).

This is a brief summary of the night.

Me: Tell me about yourself.
Investment Banker: I graduated with sixteen degrees and now I work at this firm. It's very complicated.
Me: I happen to have a degree in business. Enlighten me.
Investment Banker: I love my job, it feels like I never left the frat house. Let me tell you about my recent bonus...

(Drink Two: Martini)
Me: What do you do in your free time?
Investment Banker: I go out a lot. I read and go to shows sometime too. You're gorgeous.
Me: Oh, nice! What's the last book you read?
Investment Banker: Atlas Shrugged. I try to read it once a year.

(Drink Three: Vodka. Lots of vodka. Where the fuck is my food?)
Investment Banker: Check this out! (Shows me the tag on his jacket.) This is a custom made suit.
Investment Banker: You're very pretty. We're really connecting here. Let's go have a drink at my place.

(From commenter Nohio.)

The very next day the stalking started.

...The next day he texts me at 10am. I'm still asleep and don't respond. So he texts me again at 10:30, 11 and 12. I'm trying not to burn bridges here, I'll probably see this kid again and I wanted to talk to Angie first. I'm guessing he started drinking around 3, because that's when the texts about getting me naked and f*cking me on a bed of money start filling up my inbox. I tell him I'm not interested. He's shocked and starts calling me a whore... The next day he apologized for his behaviour and began planning the second date that I never agreed to... It took three months for him to stop texting me altogether...

Source: Gawker

This guy threw out a ton of red flags when the relationship went long distance and then...

..He started to get distant when he was there, hard to get a hold of, shady about where he had been, who he was hanging out with. I went to visit and his roommate HADN'T HEARD OF ME. Another big red flag. He said they weren't close.

One of his parents passed away and I was there for him and his family, despite the growing distance in our relationship. I knew something was wrong and several months later asked him if he had slept with anyone else, saying we could talk rationally and not yell. He got mad and accused me of cheating (RED FLAG) and said the passing of his parent was weighing on him.

...she found out about the 4 other women he was dating!

...I checked his blackberry and found that he had been seeing 4 women for nearly a year. There were sexy messages sent the week of his parent's wake... I made him call each of the women in front of me, apologizing to them for lying, saying that he was in a serious relationship and that he was seeing multiple women... It was awesome, he cried and apologized and even talked about how now he knew I was the woman he wanted to marry. Best revenge ever. Don't yell, scream or break stuff, then you're just another 'psycho.' Be calm, call him out, then move on.

Source: Gawker

This guy acted like they were on an interview through the whole relationship

....a finance HR person (told me) that I 'performed well during the onboarding process' of the relationship (i.e. the first 3 months).

Source: Gawker

Finally, a defence of financial industry professionals (Slide 1 of 2)

I was with a finance guy for two years who, from what I could tell, was one of the good ones. Very thoughtful and sweet and loving, but absolutely the most insane person I've ever met. I can't tell you how many fights I broke up, bars we got thrown out of, or lines we did. Instead of a partnership, it really turned into me being part mother, part brother, part social worker, and we both resented it.

They're awkward by nature...but its because of their work life. (Slide 2 of 2)

They seem to have real trouble making genuine connections with people for all kinds of reasons: the 16-hour workdays, being surrounded by douchebags all the time, general smart-people awkwardness, insane families (in my case)...and he is applying the same intensity and analytical mind to dating as he would to his work.

Source: Gawker

We can only imagine how Wall Streeters would react if they met these ladies

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