Five Reasons Republicans Are Better Than Democrats

GOP, Republican, Elephant

Photo: flickr / DonkeyHotey

I deeply, deeply respect and admire the Republican Party.  Here are 5 reasons why:

5): You make being racist awesome.
Look, we’re all friends here, so let’s be honest: things have really gone downhill since the passage of  the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Luckily, we don’t have to veil our collective racism in “lazy-ghetto-them-versus-hardworking-white-us” vagaries anymore. 

No, now we now have a black POTUS, which means we don’t have to hide our racist leanings anymore.  After all, Obama and his “kind” are all out to get us white folks.

In short, on my end at least, l know Obama is determined to steal the money I make – EARN, dammit! – to give to…um…how do I put this in polite company?  “Those (dark-skinned) people” in “inner cities.” And I also know Barack won’t stop until they’re rich.  And I’m homeless and on the streets.

Never mind the billions spent every year on a war with a disproven thesis…no, starving kids and those without health care are the real enemy.

4) You get poor, young kids killed in a violent, useless conflict (all in the name of patriotism).
Can we talk about the Iraq War for a second?

Now, we all know we shouldn’t’ have gone into Iraq.  It was a fool’s war fought, in part, because W needed to exercise some daddy issues on the global stage.  But no matter WHY we went in, the greatest legacy of the Iraq War is that while many at the top of the Republican ranks are still prospering from the conflict, poor, underprivileged kids – many from America’s “back-roads” (i.e. poor states) – are now stuck fighting and dying for RP’s policy mistakes.

How AMAZING is that?  I mean…man. Your ability to screw over these heroes – the patriotic and desperately brave – by sending them into battle (and later refusing them adequate care upon their return) reveals a cruel and unthinking heartlessness that even this capitalist has to admire.

PS – My second favourite part this “point,” is that not only did you advocate this war, you now claim you’re the overtaxed victim who shouldn’t have to share the financial burden of it.  Bravo!

3) You’ve convinced Christians that hurting others IS Christian. And awesome.
Now, I’m no student of the Bible.  But from what I understand, Jesus was a big fan of helping the unwanted – the poor, the meek, the outsiders – making sure that, on society’s margins, everyone had a place of comfort. 

Ugh.  He sucks.  Am I right?

Thank God, you’ve shown us the way, RP.  You’ve convinced “Red” state Christian Conservatives that, really, taking care of others – making sure grandma’s got some heat, and every child has a plate of food and a warm place in the winter– is so…f#cked up.  What are we, Communists? No.  Thank God (and I mean that – GOD), you’ve shown us the way. And convinced a massive voting block to follow you.

While we’re at it, I’m pretty sure Jesus would have hated gays, voted for guns, and fully and publicly supported the death penalty.  In fact, I think he’d call Texas home.

2) You make the middle class believe that voting for you – and your tax cuts – will make them richer.
The American middle class, as it stands (within the current geo-political structure) is, well, screwed.  Things are not – nor will they ever be again – as they were in the 20th century.  But, RP, you’ve convinced the aspirational members of the middle class (“I’d be rich, too, if not for those damned immigrants!”) that if they give you tax breaks, your extra cash will, eventually, create more wealth for them.

Man, I respect the hell out of you for this.

Here’s why: imagine you’re a kid (in a room with 2 other kids – one moderately hungry, the other disabled and starving), with a blueberry pie to be divided amongst you (yeah, I’m aware of the simplicity of this illustration).  You’re the boss, and can cut it any-which-way.  What do you do?

Well, even though you were born stronger and have a knife on you, you convince the (middle-class – get it?) hungry kid that if he fights for your right to eat 95% of the pie, you’ll eventually overindulge, then share some portion of your leftovers.  In turn, you leave him to fight the starving kid for the other 5% (while blaming your gluttony on anyone but yourself).  

You, RP, are simply awesome.

1) You celebrate ignorance –after all, education is “un-American!”
Finally, RP, I must apologise to you: you’ve taken me to task the past few weeks for being an “Educated, Silver-Spoon-In-The-Mouth, Foie Gras Eating Liberal Elite.”  I’ve taken your criticisms to heart.  

And I now see I owe you – and America – a sincere apology.

See…I was born on the relative (at least compared with most of my professional colleagues) “wrong side of the tracks,” always looking at the “haves” through the prism of less-than-fortuitous circumstances.  So I worked.  Hard.  Using whatever advantage I had, I scratched, clawed, and worked my way to the “other side.”  I, presumably like you, believed in the American dream: that hard work and education could move almost anyone from “Poor Street” to (the metaphorical) Wall Street (of course, it helps that I’m white, and didn’t suffer the violence of the ghettos, but screw “those” people, am I right!?!).

Now…now I see how wrong I was – how unpatriotic I’ve been in my thinking.  To think hard work and determination were my “tickets” out.  When you call my ilk and me “liberal educated elites,” what you’re really saying is, “knowledge has no place in America.”  And you’re right.

Let’s remain in the dark – I mean, the Middle Ages rocked! The G.I. Bill – which essentially created the middle class post-World War 2 – is so uber-socialist.  Look, you’ve made me see – I’ve screwed my country (and betrayed my “American” roots) by aspiring for more..  And for that, I apologise to you.

So, you see, my dear Republican Party, I love, respect, and think the absolute world of you.

And while I may not believe in sending in our best and bravest to die in useless wars, in fighting for the uber-rich’s right to buy more, and in using the teachings of Jesus Christ against the poor and meek…I do find myself having to salute you.  

For all that you do.

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