In 1621, a ship called the Mayflower entered a new world at Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts and forever screwed up the last week of November.
Instead of having a normal work week, we’re now subjected to store closings, long family dinners, pumpkin flavored goods, and plenty of other troublesome things. It’s called Thanksgiving and it’s one holiday we don’t approve of.
Call us cynics, but we’re not giving thanks for anything.
Go to Starbucks and you'll find a pumpkin spice latte.
Visit fro-yo parlor Red Mango and you'll see that pumpkin pie has replaced green tea flavorings.
Pumpkin flavored cookies, doughnuts, and cakes - you name it. If it's flavored, there'll be a pumpkin version of it during November.
Pumpkin pie is good in our book, but only in moderation.
Parades are slow and long, and the stuff that is paraded is kind of weird.
But sure, why not march Mr. Potato Head home to Thanksgiving dinner and then gobble up mashed potatoes?
You'll have to watch the parade anyway if you know someone who is really excited that they're holding a balloon again this year, or wants to wave at you from a car going 1 MPH. If you don't have to be there, yay! Only watching the parade on TV is even worse.
Normally, watching football is a fun affair filled with wings, beer, and dudes. Come Thanksgiving, however, you have to tone it down a lot. (Would you shotgun a can of Miller Lite in front of your great aunt? Didn't think so.)
And the worst part of all is the Detroit Lions. The Lions began the tradition of playing in the Thanksgiving game in 1934 and it seems like they've played in almost every game since.* As if spending time with the family wasn't hard enough already, now you have to watch the Detroit Lions lose.
*(Originally we thought they'd only started the streak in 2000. Wrong! Thanks to reader pauldeba for getting us to correct our mistake.)
Women work for hours on Thanksgiving cooking and cleaning for The Dinner. They set the table, pour the drinks, make the food, serve the guests, clear the table, and wash the dishes.
All the while, the men sit around and watch football.
It's like we revert into families straight out of 1950's Pleasantville.
You've done it. You got into the ivy league school. Your GPA was impeccable. You got a job at a major Wall Street firm and even bought a house recently. Too bad you still have to sit at the kids table. Your family will always see you as the sweet little boy or girl you once were and on this particular holiday, it will not be overlooked.
Thanksgiving means having to eat at least a 'no thank you' portion of every dish, because someone you love made it for the family.
On Thanksgiving everyone has to eat it, except little Johnny who is five and just has to shake his head when Grandma asks him to think about the starving children in Africa.
While not as bad as watching a Detroit Lions game, going to your high school homecoming game isn't much better. You'll have to say hi to all your old 'friends'.
Dinner is over and you're bored. Why not go to Target and browse the upcoming Black Friday deals? Or maybe head to the mall and pick up some new shirts.
Oh wait, you can't!
It's Thanksgiving and nearly every business is closed. Have fun watching Seinfeld DVDs on your laptop in the guest room!
National holidays mean no work, right? Wrong! Not if you're a corporate lawyer.
Our own John Carney claims that two Thanksgivings in a row, he was forced to work on legal dealings. If you don't want to be called into work and would rather spend time with the family, make sure you leave town the day before. Otherwise, you'll end up like us, making Thanksgiving features instead of eating food.
Modern-day 'Black Friday' refers to the car exhaust from all the drivers going to buy Christmas presents at super-discounted prices. No one likes pollution, but that's the main reason the Thanksgiving spawn known as Black Friday blows: The traffic!
By the way, why is it called 'Black Friday'? Because it's said to be the first day of the year that retailers break into the black after losing money all year. Not this year...
(The day brings to mind another Black Friday, too, of course... a financial crisis on September 24th, 1869. Two speculators, James Fisk and Jay Gould, had started hoarding gold stock soon after the government (led by President Ulysses S Grant) released a lot of cash into circulation. The men bought tons of gold and drove the stock price up an outrageous 30% higher than when Grant took office. Hoping to steady the price, Grant released $4 million worth of government gold into the market on Sept. 24th. Stocks plummeted and panicked investors sold off their holdings. They were ruined.)