Roseanne Barr is officially running to be President of the United States. Awesome! It’s about time.
But before you cast your vote for this pugnacious TV star, take a look at these wild statements from her first speech announcing her intentions in 2010.
Today, she wants to be the Green Party nominee. Back then, she was more ambitious: She wanted to be the leader of the Green Tea Party (her own invention) AND the Prime Minister of Israel.
Her diatribe, shouted through a bullhorn in view of the White House, was only slightly less hilarious than her rendition of the National Anthem. And that was pretty hilarious.
These are some of the highlights:
- “Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.”
- “legalise hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalise marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors’ pills that kill the liver.”
- “In America, if we’re speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother’s Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbours from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.”
- “I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.”
- “Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!”
- “As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.”
- “Just 10 of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the ‘pal’ back in Palestinian.”
- “Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labour unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn’t that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother’s Day.”
- “I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!”
- “In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.”
- “Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, ‘Hey, why not you Roseanne?’ Indeed, why not each of us?”
- “Let’s take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.”
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