11 Absolutely Bizarre Craigslist Ads

CraigslistcraigslistA photo retoucher peddles his wares.

There are a lot of weird Craiglist ads bouncing around the Internet.

You can get anything from a cronut to a last minute wedding date to a butt-shaped pumpkin.

At this point, even Craigslist is in on the ridiculous ways the site is being used. To drum up some fun, brand-related chatter, Craigslist went on Quora to ask users to name the best Craigslist advertisements of all time.

And to top it off, there’s a “best of Craigslist” section on the site.

We’ve collected the good, bad, but mostly bizarre.

Craigslist listed one of its favourites as this ad for a 'Real Rock Drummer for NON-pussy band.' The dude's wig is a real selling point.

And 'Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ!' Craigslist also couldn't help but mention this intricately designed ad for a used Grand Am. Because, according to the post's hyperbolic language, every woman since the dawn of 1995 has said, 'There are three things I want in a guy: Tall, Dark, and drives a f***ing teal Grand Am.'

Quora users upvoted Joanna Cohen's favourite like crazy. This was an ad for a black microbiology student named Carlton 'offering my services as an authentic African American to help you protect your biggest investment, your home.' He'll do everything in your yard from studying with a Hispanic friend to donning a temporary tattoo.

It reads:

'If you live in a predominately white neighbourhood in the Raleigh area, and are worried about home security, I am willing to offer my services. Alarm systems can be disabled, and are sometimes unreliable. The best defence is to stop criminal activity before it ever arrives at your property. My name is Carlton, I am an African American student at Duke University, and am currently working on my PhD in Microbiology. I am offering my services as an authentic African American to help you protect your biggest investment, your home. My different levels of service are as follows:

'Level 1- For $US100, my microbiology study group will meet in your front yard each afternoon and study for approximately 3 hours. There are four of us: 3 are black, one is Hispanic. We will wear baggy clothes, gold chains, and we will turn our hats around backwards for the entire time we study.

'Level 2- For $US350, each of us will wear temporary tattoos that have Chinese writing. We will also arrive at your home in my father's Escalade, which has large rims and low profile tires, and play Snoop Dogg the entire time we study.

'Level 3- For $US600, we will take out shirts off and study topless. None of the members of the study group drink or smoke, but at this level we will drink IBC Root Beer on your property, and occasionally put candy ciggarettes in our mouths as if we were smoking. We also put a temporary decal on the front of Ecalade that reads, 'Gangsta' in an ethnic looking font.

'Level 4- For $US1,000, you get our premiere service package. At this level, we will study for 6 hours at your property from 9:00 in the evening until 3:00 in the morning. Please keep in mind, if you are going to be home durring those hours, the Snoop Dog music is optional. At this level, we also call each other by code names. Instead of Carlton, I will be known as Jamal.

'Let me assure you, nothing deters crime like authentic black people on your property, wearing baggy clothes and listening to rap music.'

And then there's the ad for the guy who wrote a photo essay about why he wants 'TO LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE! (But not in a weird way.)'

And who doesn't need a good nemesis? 'British accent preferred.' The guy isn't asking for much, 'Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when I'm running to catch the BART and occasionally whisper in my ear, 'Ahha, we meet again.' That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes.'

Then there's the butt pumpkin. Don't know how to use it? 'You can hold it up to your butt in pictures and it looks like you have a pumpkin for a butt.'

The butt-pumpkin would look great on this 'Coffee Table of the Gods ... perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.' It spins, is both mirrored and carpeted, and only costs $US7.83 plus four cans of Chef Boyardee and a photo of Betty White. Framed.

You can get two dozen goats on Craigslist for free.

The ad reads:

'I have 2 dozen goats I need to get rid of. I had no idea raising goats would be this hard. These little bastards keep eating all my wife's flowers and climbing on our goddamn cars. Nobody told me they were such good climbers. The first person to get these damn goats out of here can have them.'

One Craigslister named Candy wanted to reunite someone with a missing prosthetic leg. Her 'visual aid' is what makes the ad truly memorable.

The ad, titled 'Did you leave a prosthetic leg on the bus this morning?' reads:

'I found a prosthetic leg wearing a Lucchese brand cowboy boot on the bus this morning. I'm not sure what brand the leg is, but it's only the shin and foot portion and it's not mechanical looking. Rather, it looks semi-real--almost like it could be from a giant plastic doll or something. I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and tried the boot on. Magnificent! At first I wondered why a prosthetic leg user would have purchased such a comfy boot. Then I figured that you probably have another leg and foot that actually work and they probably really appreciate the cushion and arch support provided by the Lucchese boots. I really hope I can meet you and ask you more about your condition. I wonder what Koreans would say about you if you went in for a pedicure. Do you get charged half price for pedicures? That would be fucked up if you didn't. Do you think they'd charge me full price if I went in for a pedicure with you?

'Anyway, I really want to give you your prosthetic leg back because I imagine that you're hopping around, or worse, forced to wear a makeshift papier-mâché leg, or worse, forced to wear a thick tree limb like a pirate. Hopefully we can meet for lunch sometime and I can give you your leg back. Oh, and please only respond if you're attractive. You see, there's this fantasy I have, like a modern-day Cinderella, where I finally meet the owner of the leg and he turns out to be a charming prince. Well... maybe not a prince. I want you to be a sexy cowboy war hero who has had one of his legs and both of his testicles blown off in a grenade explosion in Afghanistan. It would be really romantic for you to sweep me off my feet in some café downtown. And then we'd both fall over because your makeshift tree leg wouldn't be able to support both of us. We'd share a laugh. I'd kiss you on the cheek and then reattach your professionally made prosthetic leg for you. Based on how breathtaking your prosthetic leg is, I can only imagine that you're incredibly handsome. I would have taken a picture of the leg, only for the pleasure of readers paging through, but I don't have a digital camera. I did the best I could sketching it. Please know that this is now way as amazing as the real thing!

-Candy'

Speaking of legs, are you in need of a good footstool?

A skilled Photoshop user offered retouching services at $US2 a pop.

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