10 things you need to know this morning in Australia

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This view from Puerto Varas as ash and lava spew from the Calbuco volcano. Photo: Getty Images

Good morning.

1. Apple beats. It was a good surprise this morning for CEO Tim Cook, with Apple stock jumping as much as 5% after the company reported earnings per share higher than what Wall Street was expecting. Sure, Q3EPS was down 23.2% yoy, revenue was down 14.5%, iPhone sales were down 14.9% and iPads and Macs were down 8.7% and 11.5%. But – and take this how you will – that’s still better than expected. Here’s why Cook is stoked.

2. Markets! They were quiet overnight – the Dow lost 0.1%, the S&P 500 gained 0.03% – but that’s all about to change. The US Fed meets tonight and is highly unlikely to tighten (although Deutsche Bank’s strategy head thinks it’s missing a golden opportunity to do so), but as usual, traders are holding fire. We’ve also got UK GDP to watch tonight. But the big one is here in Australia with the release of second quarter CPI at 11.30am. Any print at 0.4% or under and you can almost pencil in an August rate cut. David Scutt’s 10-second guide is here for you, and whichever way it falls, it’s going to be a wild session for the Aussie dollar.

3. This is how Trump beats Clinton. And if he does, and you believe all the alarming headlines, this could be a handy report from the US military outlining how its F-35 fleet might beat China in the Pacific. (They might have to take out this floating nuclear power station first.)

4. When the robot uprising begins, it will most probably begin in the US state of Massachusetts. That’s the home of Boston Dynamics, the robotics company that Google bought and is kind of now wishing it hadn’t, because they’re creeping people out with this sort of stuff:

The video was taken by a local recently while she was walking her dog.

5. And if you think that’s alarming, BI’s Erin Brodwin has found a couple of studies that show we’ve been breathing wrong all this time.

6. This is wonderful. A small hedge fund manager is convincing people to give him money in return for the promise “you will never lose money”. The deal is, you give Arjun LP, a fund run by Joseph A. Meyer, your money for a decade. If you pull out, he gets to keep half. But since 2013, he’s also posted annual returns of 13%, 24% and 91%. How? Here’s the technical details Meyer gave to Bloomberg:

“I’ve got a spreadsheet that did the calculations. And then I just got coders to code it, so that the computer’s coming up with it.”

7. Yahoo’s CEO Marissa Mayer has promised to stay on to see the company “through to the next chapter”, at least until the $5 billion transaction is completed. And when she’s spent up all her golden parachute, resume writing startup Enhancv.com is there for her, having already pulled together her application for her next job. Here’s what her resume could look like.

The Tenacious will spend summer sailing around Australia. Source: supplied

8. Here’s a beautiful thing:
The barque Tenacious was built 16 years ago in Southampton, England, and is the largest timber vessel to be built in the UK in the last century. Around 10am today, she will sail into Sydney Harbour for the first time. Not only is the Tenacious an incredible sight, she is also an incredible gift to the 20-odd people with disabilities aboard – the reason she was commissioned by UK-Australian charity the Jubilee Sailing Trust. And while the Tenacious gives those people some very unique challenges which help them unlock their potential, she’s also available for hire.

9. Inevitably, people will get bored with trying to collect ’em all. So here’s the first of a wave of Pokémon Go “aids”, an app called PokeNotify which searches your surroundings for only the Pokémon that you want to find. Or, if you can’t be knackered doing all that walking, this ultimate cheat looks like it gives you unlimited incense and lucky eggs. But if you’ve made it to Level 5, you can rest knowing you’re better than at least one guy – Pokémon Go creator John Hanke.

10. As if we don’t have enough to worry about with Trump and breathing wrong and China, now science is telling us we’re pretty much doomed if a volcano decides to go super. Super eruptions only happen every couple of ten-thousand years or so, but we’re roundabout due for one. Fortunately, with technology, we can read the signs telling us when it will happen. Unfortunately, those signs will give us a single year to prepare for an Ice Age. At best.

BONUS ITEM: Next time you see the Golden Arches rising gently up from the urban jungle ahead and feel all relaxed and hungry, consider this – the original architect designed them to represent ‘nourishing breasts’.

Have a great day.

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