1) The Messiah – Every textbook in North Korea is Kim-centric and few notes stand out the most.
One, children are taught that, when Kim was born spring suddenly broke out and a shower of rainbows instantly appeared in the sky. And two, children are taught that Kim does not produce urine or feces like a regular human. He transcends that.
2) Brilliant Ideas – In 2006, Kim finds out that there’s a guy in Germany who breeds giant rabbits. Seriously huge rabbits. Like, rabbits the size of dogs. Kim soon becomes obsessed with the rabbits and figures they are the answer to his country’s hunger problems.
Kim reaches out to Karl Szmolinsky of Berlin, the world’s foremost breeder of giant rabbits, and says he wants Szmolinsky to come to Pyongyang and set up a farm to breed these rabbits. For Kim believes that the meat yielded by these rabbits will end his people’s starvation. Szmolinsky tells Kim this is, quite frankly, the dumbest idea possible. These rabbits only yield about 15 pounds of meat and they have huge appetites so they eat way more than that in carrots, potatoes and other vegetables. If anything, breeding giant rabbits would make the North Korea hunger situation even worse.
Kim, of course pays for 12 rabbits, at a cost of about $115 each. He tells Szmolinsky that the rabbits will be kept at a petting zoo in Pyongyang and, in a few months, Szmolinsky will be flown in to help really set up a farm for breeding.
In February of 2007, about five or six months later, Szmolinsky gets a call from a North Korean official cancelling that trip. Why? Because, Szmolinsky believes, Kim couldn’t resist… and ate the giant rabbits to celebrate his birthday.
3) Tiger who? – In 1994, North Korea opened their first golf course was opened and Kim decided to play. He’d never golfed before, but he found it pretty easy. In his first-ever round of golf, he shot a world-record 38 under par… including another world record 11 holes-in-one! And even though all 17 of his bodyguards were eyewitnesses and swear they saw that go down, for some reason, the people at “Guinness” fail to recognise either record.
According to North Korea’s media Kim decided to retire from golf forever, lest he ruin it for us mortals.
4) Hennessy – Kim becomes the world’s largest buyer of Hennessy. Much like LL Cool J, The Luniz and Oscar Schindler, Kim Jong-Il loves tippin’ some Hennessy. So he imports approximately $750,000 worth of it every year. *The average member of the North Korean proletariat makes about $900 a year, by the way.
5) Sorry Mr. President but their is no smoking in North Korea. – This is fantastic. Kim makes sure he never gets addicted, or quits alone. On doctor’s orders, Kim was told to give up smoking. So he did. And, at the same time, he decided to make every single other North Korean quit.
* By the way, if you’re looking to quit smoking, move to North Korea, the penalty for smoking is death for you and your family.
6) Losers – The Dear Leader bans the World Cup from being shown in North Korea unless of course North Korea wins.
7) Cars, Beers, and Hookers – Kim imports German cars, Czech beer, Uzbekistani caviar and Swedish prostitutes. Millions of North Koreans have died from starvation under Kim’s rule.
But he’s not really concerned with that. He’s using the country’s money wisely. Like importing $20 million worth of Mercedes, sending his personal chef to the Czech Republic to buy beer, sending his staff to Uzbekistan and Iran to get caviar, and importing a non-stop stream of white, blond Swedish prostitutes to have sex with him and his friends.
8) The Fear of Old Age – Kim injects himslef with the blood of virgins to stay young.
9) A Prefectionist – Kim hires a staff to inspect his rice, to make sure each piece is the same size. In possibly the biggest example of his OCD, Kim apparently hates eating rice if every grain isn’t uniform in length, plumpness and colour. So he hires a staff of women to go through each and every grain of rice before it enters his palace’s kitchen, making sure each piece meets Kim’s standard..
10) George Costanza – Kim loathes his height so much that he attempts to rid the capital of short people. Kim Jong-Il is only 5-foot-3. He hates this fact. He wears elevator shoes to hide it. He reveres people who are taller Apparently, when Secretary of State Madeline Albright visited North Korea, she brought him a Michael Jordan autographed basketball, which instantly became his prized possession.
In advance of the Festival, Kim had pamphlets distributed in Pyongyang, describing a wonder drug that would make short people grow taller.In fact, Kim hates his height so much that he decided to fix the problem of North Korean shortness back in 1989. Kim was still seething over the success of Seoul, South Korea, hosting the Olympics the year before. So he created the World Festival of Youth and Students, an event and spectacle intended to outdo and embarrass the Olympics.
When people responded to the pamphlet, though, they quickly learned there was no wonder drug… it was Kim’s way of flushing out the shortest members of society (besides him, of course), so he could round them up and have them sent away to different uninhabited islands in an attempt to end their substandard genes from repeating in a new generation.
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